Sorry for the late post. I was planning on posting this yesterday but an old friend was in town. And we all know that creative endeavors take a back seat to getting drunk and making dick jokes.

I went to the Mule, a local bar, for the first time a few days ago. First, let me state that I am not a “bar person”. In general, I find the music in bars too loud, the beer too bland, and the patrons too prone to throwing a punch when you accidentally bump into them. I prefer to do my drinking at pubs where I can enjoy good quality beer and have actual conversations. I’m weird like that.

Surprisingly, I had an alright time. The weird thing was that I kept running into people I knew from high school. For those who don’t know me, I get incredibly self-conscious when I bump into people who’ve heard that I’m a comedian or seen videos of me. I think it stems back from the fact that I was a total dork in high school. Since then I’ve sort of internalized the fact that I will never be “cool”. But now that I have taken up a career path out of the normal spectrum of Sarnia vocations, people have started mistakenly accrediting me with the label of “being cool”. When people tell me that they are impressed by what I do, I always get this feeling like I’m lying to them, as if any minute my cover is going to be blown and I’ll be revealed for the geek I really am. I know, I am fully self-aware of how crazy that makes me. What can I say, the Roach family bloodline is nothing more than chemical dependacy coupled with neurosis.

So yesterday was Canada Day. I have to ask, am I the only person who is tired of fireworks? Seriously now, it’s the same goddamn show every time - colourful shit flies into the sky, goes boom, we all go “ahhhh”. Maybe I’m just jaded and bitter but firework technology hasn’t improved all that much since I was eight. The whole time I was watching the show I was kind of hoping for a Cessna to fly by and get tagged with a wayward firework. That would have been hilarious/horrifying for people that aren’t me.

And now for something completely different: I might be going to college. Again. Seriously.

It turns out that Ontario has this program where if you’ve been laid off or say that you have, the government will give you tons of cash to go back to college. Intrigued by this notion of “free money” I made an appointment with one of their advisers.

Here is what I was expecting:

1) They would weed out my bullshit in an instant.

2) I would have to choose from a limited number of courses - most of them labour-oriented.

Here is what I got:

1) Not only were they complicit in my lying, but helped me build my case stronger by advising me to lie more.

2) I could choose any college program I wanted.

The whole appointment felt like a high-pressured sales situation. The type where the sales person would go “I like you, kid. So tell me, what do I have to do to get you to buy this washer and dryer combo today.” But instead of her trying to pressure me into buying something, she was pressuring me to let her give me money. Seeing as I’m not known for my resistance when it comes to people giving free money, I caved and suggested the first college course that came to mind. Thankfully, it was a course I was interested in and was considering taking. It was a TESL program offered in Toronto. She was suspiciously positive about my choice and booked me for another appointment.

I left the office feeling confused. It happened all so fast that I’m not really sure what happened. I sort of felt like I was taken advantage of. Then again, I was getting free money for college. I guess it would be like someone sliping the date-rape drug into your drink because they thought you needed a good night’s sleep. Altruisitc, but still somehow shady.

Oh well, my next meeting is in a few days so we’ll have to see just how far this little slice of wackiness will on for.

Need a good laugh? There’s nothing like trolling the “Casual Encounters” section of your local Craigslist for finding comedy gold:

“I’m a 29 y/o attractive guy, 6’1”, average build, 185 lbs looking for a younger girl for Older Brother/ Younger Sister role play. You will be the submissive younger sister, and I will be the dominant older brother. You are naive and curious about sex, and I am experienced and willing to teach you everything about sex: oral, vaginal, and anal (nice and slow at your pace with lots of lube). Mom and Dad can’t find out about us, so we will need to get hotel rooms for multiple nights (it will take multiple all night sessions for you to experience everything).

I am 100% clean, and you should be too. I will be selecting one individual only for this encounter. To make this role playing experience as natural and enjoyable as possible, we will not be using condoms. As your big brother, I will be pumping your pussy/ ass full of as much cum as possible over the course of each night (very many loads). Trust is essential between a sister and a brother, and I will trust that you are clean (free of disease) and using an effective means of birth control, and you will trust that I am clean. I am party friendly (420 etc).”

Coming soon to a sex offender registry near you!